Slacker Mom

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My youngest offspring started her senior year of high school this fall. Her very last “First Day of School”.   Naturally, I marked this most auspicious occasion by seeing her off to school in the best possible way.   I arose early so I could make her a healthy breakfast. I sat and talked with her while she ate, reflecting nostalgically about my own final year of high school.   We went over her schedule together. I checked that her water bottle was filled and that her car had gas. I took her picture, kissed her cheek, and waved good-bye as she drove off, wiping a tear from my eye.

Yeah, that’s all a lie. Except for it being the first day of her senior year, none of the rest of that stuff happened.   My kid left at some god awful early hour to score one of the coveted senior parking spots. All I know about her schedule is that she’ll graduate on time and that her classes are like, really hard. I slept until about 8AM. I drank some coffee, read just enough news to maintain my current level of outrage, and went to a yoga class.

In my defense, I had just flown home the night before, after helping her sister move into her new digs at college, so I was kind of tired.   But, truth be told, I haven’t seen my kids off to school in the morning in about four years. I, my friends, am a slacker mom.

You’ve seen us around and you are probably friends with a few of us, though we hide in plain sight. We aren’t sparkly and we’re usually not the squeaky wheels, but we get things done. In an effort not to appear like a slacker, we are constantly volunteering for stuff.

Usually our efforts pay off, but occasionally not. I was determined to prove my worth as the new Assemblies Coordinator for my kids’ grade school.   For my first gig, I hired a well-regarded Berkeley science professor for a presentation on evolution. His website was impressive. He arrived on time and looked the part: a modern day Einstein.   This will be epic!   He begins his presentation and immediately has the kids engaged and laughing. Well done, I think to myself, and mentally check out.

I’m snapped back to attention when I hear him share this little nugget of wisdom:     “ . . . and that’s why black boys can run faster than white boys”.   My stomach turns. I mouth a silent apology to the principal as she is shooting daggers at me with her eyes. The teachers are visibly pissed off, and they will skewer me later with their written feedback. There’s nothing I can do to stop this train wreck.   I feel terrible and think I’ll be swiftly relieved of my duties. Alas, no. It’s a public school, desperate for whatever volunteer action they’ll get. I can only go up from here, and besides, it’s not like they’re paying me to do this crap.

After my term as Assemblies Coordinator mercifully came to a close, I somehow ended up on the Emergency Preparedness Committee. Although this was in the glory days before active shooter drills, living in earthquake country still gave us lots to work with. After successfully organizing a couple of emergency drills, my confidence was pretty high, and I was eager to share my knowledge with others.

Having cocktails with the neighbors one day, I decided to show off my expertise in fire extinguisher maintenance. I confidently explained how to determine if the canister was still full. My careful analysis told me theirs was empty. To prove my hypothesis, I would demonstrate how to extinguish their expertly landscaped garden, knowing that nothing would be expelled on their greenery.  It didn’t go as planned.   I still feel bad about those plants.

I had some successes, and really the designation of slacker so much depends on your perspective. As a room parent, there is no better way to release any pent-up creative energy then the planning of a class celebration.   Since anything that smacks of a religious holiday is now taboo, Halloween has become quite the to-do. I don’t particularly care for Halloween, and I’m not the competitive type. So, I was always happy to take a back seat to the other room parents that really do live for this stuff (the non-slacker moms).

For whatever reason though, in this particular year I decided to up my game: creating personalized bags for popcorn balls that I had lovingly concocted by hand. I strolled over to the Halloween celebration with my balls, just in time to see a good friend breathlessly arrive. She is a single mom with a stressful full-time job. For her, just getting there on time was a feat of immeasurable proportions. She greets me, and then looks down at my neatly assembled, personalized, popcorn paraphernalia. She gives me a look, which conveys both annoyance and wonder, and says, “really?”

Joking aside, I bow to the non-slacker moms and am grateful when they use their powers for good. And, there is no better outlet for a smart, unemployed, MBA type, then school fundraising.  Every fall, soon after school begins, parents of all stripes shed their summer cobwebs and gear up for another year of raising money. These aren’t the bake sales and lemonade stands of our youth.   This is serious business. This is “we will have to fire a teacher, shorten a school day, kill a special ed program, close the library, ax teacher training, etc., etc., etc.,” if we don’t raise said amount of cash. It takes massive cojones to organize fundraising events, and I’m fortunate to have been in a support role behind some incredible parents.

When my daughters were in grade school, the main fundraising shebang was the annual auction. And, the iconic item each year was the “class treasure”, a homemade bauble produced by each class that was then auctioned off.   And by auctioned off, I mean we parents typically bought whatever item our child’s class was peddling – something we most likely donated money, time and supplies to produce in the first place. Frankly, it would have been easier just to write a big check early on and call it a day. However, we’re big on “community building” here, so there you have it. I’m not as jaded as I sound, just pragmatic. Plus, all that community building was exhausting after a decade or so.

The task of figuring out what the unique bauble should be, procuring the supplies to create said object, and scheduling the time for the kids to actually produce it, falls to the room parent.   I’m not a person who naturally enjoys the creative process that much – I only relax when things are completed. So, when I was able to get the class treasures done on time, I always breathed a sigh of relief. Sometimes, I was actually excited about the item – like the year we had the kids make tie-dyed reusable grocery bags.

The day before the auction, I saunter over to my assigned table and drop off the bags. I’m pretty proud. They look cool and they’re actually practical. I make sure each kid is represented, and the bags are neatly folded. I’m done. Then, I glance at the table next to mine. Clearly, its occupant has spent considerable time and resources at the craft store. There are multi-colored tiers of cloth, corrugated metal display trays, name cards meticulously calligraphed in various shades of ink. To this day, I can’t even recall what the actual craft was, but the display was stunning. I also thought, “she’s precious – she thinks she actually has to market this stuff.”

My tie-dye bags, lounging innocently on the naked Government Issue table, looked positively sad sitting next to this carnival of color.   My neighbor looks over at my “display”, and I almost sense she’s a little offended. It’s like a homeless encampment dared set up next to her gated community.   It must be said that this is a woman whom I’ve known peripherally for years. She is truly very nice and I like her a lot, despite her being unfairly blonde, perky and athletic.   She tactfully asks, “are you still setting up your display?” “No, I’m done”, I say. “Huh”, she smiles, and goes back to beautifying her own display, which to my eyes already looked pretty good.  I’m happy to say that we each were able to sell all of our items.

Over the years, I’ve become better at not comparing myself to these non-slacker types. We all have our ways of contributing. Also, now I’ve got a window into how these types may channel their energies once their kid leaves the nest, and it’s not always pretty. Against my better judgment, I started following a Facebook “parent page” for the university my eldest daughter attends.   I must say, if I didn’t feel like a slacker before, these moms (yes, mainly moms) have sealed the deal for me. To wit:

The mom who evidently feels the need to act as a pimp for her college aged son to secure a playdate. “My freshman son moved with us right before starting school this year. He isn’t looking forward to Christmas Break without his old friends to hang with. He hasn’t met many new kids at school from the area. Anyone on this site live in this area? He’s a fun guy!”

The mom who will likely accompany her child on their first job interview: “My kid is looking for a class – probably online – that he can add at this late date to hopefully get an A in and secure a certain GPA he needs. So an easy class would be ideal here.”

The mom who just wants her kid to wear clean clothes: “My Freshman needs laundry done. Where are the nearest facilities? Any guidance is greatly appreciated!”

I’d like to say these posts are an aberration on this site, but they’re not. Also, it’s fair to criticize me here for being very judgmental (and snarky).   It’s not like I’m on anyone’s shortlist for Mother of the Year. I did miss my daughter’s very last first day of school-morning, for goodness sakes! Still, if these kids can’t advocate for themselves regarding basic stuff like this, maybe they weren’t ready to go away to college? Or, the moms here just weren’t ready to let go. Maybe the thought of their kid floundering, when they could have helped them, is too much to bear. That, I get. Sort of.

The evening of the aforementioned last-first day of school, I check in with my daughter. “How was your day?” Fine. “How’s your schedule?” Fine. She has some adjustments she wants to make to it though and the guidance counselor is slow in responding.   I offer to step in and call him for her. She laughs at this, as if to say, “why in the world would I want you to get involved here?”   I sigh happily and leave the room, forever content in my slacker world.

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